Lemongrass & Melancholy Tea

From the balcony in a matchbox Hong Kong house, I see tiny yellow double decker buses and red taxis, silently whizzing past. There is a clothes rack, full of tiny clothes and my striped pajamas. This is the one hour I have before she wakes up.  The chores are done (somewhat, and for now) and I am hoping to drink my lemongrass tea while it is still hot. 

Is it strange to be melancholy about who I used to be? I don't mean that only in the context of time. I mean that in all sincerity because I miss who I used to be. I miss having a friend to meet, a plan to keep and a place to be. I don't mind the responsibility; I'm just not a fan of excluding everything else in the process. Why cant I still have friends whom I meet for a cup of coffee, and yes, the coffee may be rushed and hurried and interrupted but I want to be able to soak in the comfort of that familiarity, of unloading my thoughts without any inhibitions. Why is that too much to want? It has been very lonely for me in Hong Kong. For the first couple of years, there was the excitement of travel, weekend trips, friends and family visiting but all that has changed.  To be honest, even amidst all that I remember always feeling lonely in Hong Kong. The couple of friends I had, moved out and it has now been a few years of having no solid, stable or genuine friendships. Everyone I know loves Hong Kong and yes it's safe and clean and efficient and all that but emotionally, it is lonesome, alienating.  I feel I am always in a bubble of my own - a silent bubble, where I brood in my thoughts and feelings with no release. I sometimes fill that void with 'things' and/or food. Both rather unhealthy options. 

I miss having someone to talk to, to do things with, to be silly with. Insipid - that's how life seems. Lucky are those who are self-sufficient. Unfortunately, I am not one of those who rely on themselves for entertainment, solace or company. Of course social media only adds to this loneliness as I see people in a similar stage of life (and some in a free-er stage of life too) who are doing so much with themselves and their time. Me? I'm regulated by practical errands and practical furniture, both of which I dislike. I don't shirk my responsibilities but surely a little life can be added to the house with a colorful carpet, or to my evenings with an occasional glass of wine and good conversation? 

Who are these fulfilled, content people with such balanced lives? Who are these people who live by the beach and eat cupcakes on a Saturday morning, basking in the sun while their kids make sand castles? Who are these people who have game nights with friends while their kids eat hummus and carrot sticks? Who are these people who pop a child and go back to their pre-baby size in a month? Who are these people who always look so well put together, so classy and graceful? Who are these people and how do I become one of them?